Four Things About Screamer’s Pizza I Found Better Than Sex

(I don’t have a lot of sex)

By Stephen Troiano












As a pizza chef, I find myself sucking face with more pizza than people. So, for my latest adventure to Screamer’s, a vegan, by-the-slice place in Greenpoint, I was joined by my friend Yohannes to help me put my sex life in perspective.

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1. Upton’s Seitan Pepperoni

I didn’t tell Yohannes that he was eating vegan pizza until after he was done devouring into those pepperoni nipples. He would have never guessed it. Screamer’s uses seitan, a wheat substitute for meat, from vegan company Upton’s Naturals. It tasted accurately to pork pepperoni with the same level of saltiness.


2. Almond Ricotta

Found on their Buffalo pizza, topped with homemade tomato sauce, Violife mozz, cauliflower marinated in buffalo sauce, vegan ranch and chives, the ricotta dollops were the first thing I tasted. Oh, it tasted so sweet.


3. Violife Mozzarella

Screamer’s uses a vegan cheese producer called Violife for all their mozz needs and urges. It’s mostly composed of coconut oil and starch and tastes the same as it’s dairy counterpart.


4. The Crust

Good pizza, in theory, should be great bread with some shit on top of it. The dough and the crust comes first. It’s easy to screw it up by using too much flour, which Screamer’s doesn’t do. There’s no extra dust on that crust and no extra grittiness to it. It’s also the only part of a pizza that’s naturally vegan, so I’m glad Screamer’s was able to nail down the basics.

I could always go for some more, but I’ll need some Gatorade first.

Screamer’s Pizzeria is located at 620 Manhattan Avenue, Brooklyn NY

Photographed by Stephen Troiano